This Title is a Complete Sentence
by BladePixie100
Summary: Aunt Josephine's life after the events of "The Wide Window"
1. The Erratic Escape

"Aunt Josephine! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the orphans screamed, as their boat sailed farther away from the sinking Aunt Josephine. Captain Sham had mercilessly thrown her overboard where the vicious Lachrymose leeches would surely devour her. They helplessly watched her sinking. Before her head completely slipped under, they could hear a faint voice saying, "'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO' is not a complete sentence, children!"

Aunt Jo took one last gulp of air before the choppy waters completely engulfed her. She tried not to think about the leeches that were swarming around her and of how frightened she was. Instead she focused on the fact that she would be seeing her beloved husband, Ike again very soon. She tightly shut her eyes to block out the leeches that were beginning to nibble...

Just then, the gloved hand of a diver grasped her arm. (Don't ask me why someone was diving in the lake during a terrible hurricane, I don't know.) He beckoned for her to come with him; he would save her. Josephine just stared at him, petrified. He had an air tank on his back. She was _terrified _of air tanks! What if it blew up? But her choices were between being ripped to shreds by hungry leeches or escaping with a diver that possessed an air tank, so of course she chose... the leeches. Nuh-uh, no way was she getting any closer to that air tank. She'd rather be eaten. She swam closer to the swarm of leeches to show the diver that she'd made her choice, but unfortunately, something got in her way.

An enormous, slimy purple and green tentacle seized her from behind. The tentacle was attached to a great squid like creature, who, with one glance, could tell that she needed help. She was running out of breath; her lips were turning blue. The squid creature carried her up to the surface and deposited her, unconscious on a rocky shore.

A sailor soon showed up and did chest compressions on Aunt Josephine. After she came to, she thanked him profusely, then distracted him while she stole his wallet. She ran far, far, away from that shore of Lake Lachrymose, knowing she could never return again. She would have to make a new life for herself with the help of the meager amount of cash in the sailor's wallet. Captain Sham must not know she was still alive.


	2. The Jeopardous Job

Aunt Josephine stared absentmindedly at the Mississippi River through the window of her rented apartment. The color of the water here was almost the exact same shade as that of Lake Lachrymose. Sometimes she missed her old home. But at other times she was just glad her new apartment building wasn't precariously perched on stilts that could easily be destroyed in a hurricane. Today she was going in for a job interview: one of the last steps in establishing her new life. She was trying to do everything the exact opposite of what she would normally do, to ensure that that nefarious Captain Sham would never find her, including dying her hair, changing her name, and wearing colored contact lenses like she'd promised.

Even now, she was doing 4 things she would have never done before in her old life. 1. She was sitting on the couch. What if it fell over and crushed her? 2. She was drinking _hot _tea. She'd braved the possibility of the stove catching on fire to make it, and she was still taking a risk. What if it spilled and she burned herself? 3. She was holding a newspaper. What if it gave her a paper cut? She'd heard that you could get the nastiest cuts from newsprint. 4. She was about to apply for a dangerous "dangerous animal tamer" job at the zoo. What if some kid pelted her with zoo popcorn?

Deep down, there was still a tiny morsel of fear, but she was getting braver every day. It hadn't been easy. She had to have a psychiatrist at first, but since she was afraid of psychiatrists (What if one of their pens broke and ink got in her eyes?), the psychiatrist had to tie her to her chair. When he did that, Aunt Josephine just grew more panicked because she was afraid of rope. What if she got rope burn? She said, "I won't talk to you, unless you get rid of the things I'm afraid of in here." The psychiatrist grudgingly complied, and after he got rid of all the things Josephine was afraid of, he was left with a very bare office. He'd even taken out his doorknob. He'd asked her to begin by naming all her phobias. After he'd filled up eight notebooks worth, he decided to try a new tactic: a puppet show! After becoming a master puppeteer and performing countless plays that dealt with her fears, she was practically cured! Her physiatrist gave her the hefty bill and told her never to come back... no seriously, he was getting a restraining order.

Aunt Josephine reflected on those days with a smile on her face. How great it felt to be free of all her fears! Except for realtors of course. She'd rented an apartment so she could avoid dealing with them. They were still absolutely terrifying.


	3. The Irritating Interview

**A/N: Thank you to the person who pointed out my error involving Josephine's name. It has been fixed.**

"Welcome, Ms. Amelie Bethner, please have a seat so that we may conduct our... interview." Aunt Josephine did as her job interviewer had requested and seated herself. Amelie Bethner was the fake name she had chosen; the story behind that name was a long and painful one involving an entomologist and a box of crayons, so I doubt you want to hear it.

Her interviewer was a short, stout man with a rather bodacious mustache. Just then, he burst into maniacal laughter. "Yar-har-har-har-har-har! Did you wonder why I ominously paused before saying the word, 'interview?' Har-har-har-har-har-yar!"

The only thing Aunt Josephine had wondered about was why her interviewer laughed like a pirate.

The strange little man sighed happily and used a handkerchief to wipe tears of laughter from his eyes. He apologized, "I'm sorry, really. You must forgive me for my inappropriate fit of laughter. I can't help it; it runs in my family. Mr. Poe is my cousin, you see. I'm sure you've heard of him. See, he has inappropriate coughing fits, I have inappropriate laughing fits, my son has inappropriate sneezing fits, and so on and so forth. And you don't even want to _know_ about my uncle, Danny!" After this he mouthed, "He vomits."

Good old Aunt Joe was not fazed by this silliness. She had gotten used to it after living in the recesses of Lemony Snicket's mind for so long.

Her interviewer went on, "Again, I'm terribly sorry. It won't never happen again." But he giggled a little even as he said this.

The polite smile that Josephine had been wearing fell. "Excuse me," she said, "but I believe you meant to say, 'It won't _ever _happen again,' not, 'It won't _never _happen again.' Saying the word 'never' in addition to the phrase 'will not' or 'won't' would make it a double negative, and we all know how detrimental to good grammar a double negative can be, don't we?" She grinned knowingly.

Her interviewer nodded slowly, his smile disappearing as well. "Riiiiight," he said.

'"Riiiiight,' is not a complete sentence, I'm afraid. My, my, it's a good thing I'm here to help you with your grammar, isn't it? As I always say, grammar is one of the greatest joys in life!" She exclaimed.

"Riiiiight," her interviewer answered. "Anyway, my name is Isaac Poe. I think it's about time we started this interview, don't you?" Before Josephine could answer, he threw back his head and cackled. "Alright, how much experience do you have in dangerous animal taming?"

"I have no experience, whatsoever, unless you count almost being eaten by leeches," she answered promptly.

"Very good, now, what kind of things do you like to do in your free time? Do you have any hobbies"

Josephine cleared her throat. "I believe you forgot the question mark at the end of that sentence, sir. All sentences must have an end mark!"

Isaac glared at her. "That's not my fault! The author forgot the stupid question mark!"

Aunt Josephine didn't believe him, but she answered the question he had previously proposed. "In any case, my hobbies mainly consist of ruthlessly correcting people's grammar, putting on puppet shows, and pick pocketing. I also make a mean chilled cucumber soup."

"Why do you want this job? I mean, I hate working here! Yar-har-yar-har-yar-hawrh!"

"Your spelling of the last 'har' was incorrect, I'm afraid," said Josephine. She was simply unable to stop being annoying.

Isaac was livid. He stood up on his chair, pointed at Aunt Josephine and yelled, "That's it! Stop correcting me! The _author _spelled the 'har' that way. And why aren't you correcting me for saying har in the first place? 'HAR' ISN"T EVEN A REAL WORD! I'm sick of this. You have no experience with dangerous animals, your hobbies are the most IDIOTIC thing I've ever heard, and you've corrected my grammar 3 times now! I have just one thing to say to _you_!"

"Actually, I've corrected your grammar _4 _times," she interrupted.

Isaac continued, "And now you're correcting my ARITHMITEC! I have just one thing to say to _you_...You're hired! Welcome to the zoo! You're just the person we've been looking for!" He laughed and laughed and laughed. He was still laughing when Aunt Josephine awkwardly backed out of the room 15 minutes later. He was laughing so much that he accidentally fell out his 5th story office window. Nurses reported that he was still laughing as he was in a coma.


	4. The Rapid Romance

Aunt Josephine strode under the neon orange archway displaying the sign for the Hugs of Children Zoo. At first glance it appeared to be a typical zoo; families were bustling about all around her. But none of these people were talking... or laughing or smiling. Not that Josephine could blame them; the landscape was all grey with random bursts of neon, and there were hardly any plants. Most of the animals were very dangerous or carnivorous, and all looked sick or angry. But at least the zoo was hiring Aunt Josephine to tame them. The zoo must care a little bit about the safety of their customers, right? Her footsteps crunched loudly on the gravel as she wandered through the eerie zoo and into the decrepit office building.

A college-aged young woman was the only one inside. The woman turned to her and said in a booming voice, "Vad tror du att du håller på med? Är du en idiot? Bara stroke dressing och lämna mig ifred!" (What do you think you're doing? Are you an idiot? Just stroke the salad dressing and leave me alone!)

Aunt Josehpine let out a little whimper. She was growing frightened. She didn't know German. How could she tell if the girl had used correct grammar? The girl was chewing gum. What if she choked on it, then spit it out, and it got stuck in Josephine's hair? There was a tacky moosehead on the wall over a single chair. What if one of its antlers fell off and stabbed her? These fears were growing stronger; but before they could overwhelm her, the girl spoke again, this time in a nasally, American teenager-type voice.

"OMG! I am like, SO sorry! I wasn't talking to you! I were using my headset to take care of some important business, YDWTK. Anywerz, I'm here to help you on your first day! You can AMAA! But don't mention DW, or else I get SDM about TWTMSCOTS when it was soooo obvs that DTIAAWBLTBDE. Like, he's totes adorbz." She finished her speech with a flip of her auburn ponytail.

Josephine's eyelid twitched. Then she screamed and ran out of the building. She shriveled up in a ball, shuddering, too terrified to cry. A shadow passed over her. "Ok, like IDK what I done wrong, but I was supposed to give this clipboard to you. It tells you whatcha need to do today. Ain't that just DNDY? Well, TTFN, I guess!" The horrid girl left her.

After another moment of lying there in agony, Josephine looked at the clipboard. She was already wearing her new zoo uniform. She checked that off the list. Her next job was going up to the room where they stored the most dangerous of animals, and feeding all the animals a chocolate bar to get her on their good sides. She went up to the dangerous animals room, but there was already someone there, feeding each of the animals a chocolate bar. (DISCLAIMER: IT'S NOT GOOD TO FEED ANIMALS CHOCOLATE BARS) It was a rather... handsome someone if she did say so herself.

"Hello, I didn't expect anyone else to be up here," she giggled. She swooned at the sight of the man's thinning wavy golden hair, his nonexistent washboard abs, and his not particularly bright teeth.

"And I _never _expected to see someone as beautiful as you," he answered flirtatiously. His cheesy grin fell. "I'm sorry, a woman like you is probably happily married."

"Widowed," she murmured, "And I do get lonely sometimes. The author of this story is an idiot; she never lets me have any fun."

The guy said, "I'd _love _to have fun with you." But as they drew closer, Aunt Josephine felt a tap on her shoulder.

"Sorry to interrupt ma'am, but could you help me?" the voice behind her said. Josephine swiveled around slowly. She knew that voice, that wheezy voice. The shiny eyes confirmed it: she was face to face with Captain Sham, otherwise known as the villainous Count Olaf.

**A/N: Ha-ha Aunt Josephine! That's what you get for insulting me! I'm in charge of this story! Oh, and if anyone speaks German and I got translated that line wrong, then I apologize. I just used Google Translate.  
**


	5. The Bleak Betrayal

**A/N: Hello, anyone who might be reading this. I'm sorry it took me such a long time to update this. Things have gotten busy all of a sudden. I'm sorry if this chapter is not as good or as humorous as the others. I'm just kind of trying to get this story finished.**

Time seemed to stand still. Aunt Josephine was surrounded by some real dangers. A black bear was munching on a chocolate bar in a cage quite near to her. What if the animal threw the wrapper at her and gave her a paper cut? The random guy she had just fallen in love with was somewhat plump and was wearing a button-down shirt. What if the pressure was too much for the shirt, and one of the buttons suddenly popped off and hit her? But these were nothing compared to the danger right in front of her. The very thing she had dreaded so long had found her at last. She always knew that the author would never let her be happy. She didn't know what else to do, so she just squeezed her eyes shut and tried to block him out. She didn't want to see what terrible things he would do to her.

"Yes I was just looking for the place where I can buy a lollipop? I taked notice of your zoo uniform, and I thought maybe you could help me," Olaf said.

Josephine warily opened her eyes. It seemed that he didn't recognize her. In any case she was relieved enough to correct his grammar. "I believe you meant to say that you _took _notice of my zoo uniform," she said tentatively.

The plastic-looking grin he was wearing faltered slightly. He cleared his throat. "Of course, I'm terribly sorry. You see, I... I just love lollipops so much that when I talk about them my grammar just... flies out the window." His expression turned a little more sinister when he said, "out the window."

Josephine was eager to make Olaf leave. "Well, the zoo cafeteria is just down the path a little ways. Take a right in front of this building, then a left, then a right, and you should be there. The cafeteria sells lollipops, ice cream, and many other delicious things," she said. She desperately hoped her directions were accurate. She'd studied her zoo map earlier this morning, but she still didn't really know her way around.

Count Olaf looked delighted. "Oh, thank you very much! Maybe afterwards I'll stop by the gift shop and get a stuffed monkey!"

Aunt Jo gave a sigh of relief when she heard Olaf go out the door. She turned to her newfound love interest. "That man who was just here is evil. He tried to kill me in the past. Please, help me get away from him! Oh goodness, I don't even know your name! You may call me Amelie for now. What's your name?" Josephine asked breathlessly.

The random man was worried for her. "My name is, uh, Ial," he chuckled after he said this, which made Josephine wonder if he was related to one of the Poes. "He tried to kill you? Of course I'll help you. Even better, I'll make sure he never bothers you again! Come on!" He grabbed her arm and ran with her down to the zoo cafeteria. The place was practically devoid of people, so it was easy to spot the Count sitting in a corner, hungrily licking a lollipop. They angrily strode over to him.

Being with Ial was giving Aunt Jo a new sense of confidence. With him by her side, she felt as if she could face the end of the world, let alone an evil man with a unibrow.

Olaf looked up as Ial jabbed a fat finger in his face. Ial yelled out for everyone to hear, "OLAF! I'm taking you down! You've hurt too many people for you to walk this earth any longer!"

Olaf's eyes shone brighter. Quite calmly he said, "Taking me down, are you now? Well Flacutono, I think this little charade has gone on far enough. Leading poor, wittle Auntie Josephine on, eh? Why don't you tell her who you really are?"

Josephine trembled. Olaf did recognize her then. "Ial dear, what is he talking about?" She asked him nervously.

Ial smirked at her, as if laughing at her stupidity. "Sorry babe, he's right. I'm not who you think I am. Oh, and quit calling me Ial ok? That's the stupidest name I've ever heard! I just made those letters up to stand for, 'I Am Lying."' With that he grabbed on to his blonde wig and peeled it off with a sickening sound to reveal a shiny bald head underneath. His long, hooked nose confirmed that he was indeed Olaf's loyal, bald-headed henchman.

Josephine felt sick. For the love of grammar, he was bald? That was another one of her fears she had encountered today.


	6. The Calamitous Candy

"Enough with the chattering, Flacutono. We need to get out of here and catch up with the Baudelaire's. Just hurry up and finish her off," growled Olaf. "Oh and Josephine? I actually didn't recognize you until you corrected my grammar. You're still the same scared, grammar-loving freak, aren't you?"

Flacutono crossed his arms. "You know what? I don't want to finish her off! Maybe I'm sick of all this. Maybe I'm sick of _you_, Olaf. I haven't been in a relationship in a long time, and maybe I want to be in one. Not with Aunt Josephine over here exactly, but... Oh, no offence, Josephine."

Aunt Jo just shrugged.

Olaf took a long, disgusting lick of his rainbow swirled lollipop. He said, "Sure, Flacutono. If that's truly what you want, then you may stop traveling with me. Of course, that also means you'll have to die." The count sighed and pulled a pistol out of his jacket, aiming it at Flacutono's head. "Give me my jacket back too. That was expensive."

The bald man knew that if he tried to run, Olaf would catch him. So he just glared at his former boss and threw down the jacket he had been wearing as part of his disguise down at his boss's feet.

Aunt Josephine let out a shriek. She heard screams from behind her; she assumed they were because people had seen Olaf's gun. "Olaf, don't!" She cried. "Don't kill him! There are too many witnesses!"

Olaf looked at her and said, "You know, it is a shame, isn't it? Normally I like to dispose of my victims in a bit more of a classier manner, but... oh well. Maybe when I kill you I'll-AHHHHHHH! Mommy!"

He had turned around to face an angry lion. Olaf's sudden movements combined with the smell of chocolate bars in the jacket at his feet were enough to make the lion attack him. On instinct, Josephine and Flacutono ran in the opposite direction, out of the zoo, as Count Olaf was getting viciously clawed.

As she ran, Josephine realized that Flacutono must have not locked the cage completely after he'd finished giving the lion a chocolate bar. And she must have left the door open as she and Flacutono fled the dangerous animals storage room when they went to confront Olaf. She realized that the people behind her had not been screaming because of Olaf's gun, but because of the escaped lion.

Someone had already called for an ambulance. Flacutono kept running right through the neon zoo entryway and ran into the woods. As Josephine waited for the ambulance to arrive, Olaf's distant shouts for his mommy became fainter and less frequent until they stopped altogether.


	7. The Feckless Finale

Aunt Josephine had not done much of anything in the past two weeks since the lion incident except ponder. Today she was so lost in thought that she boiled water on the stove and almost made ramen noodles until she realized what she was doing and screamed. She gingerly seated herself at her circular kitchen table-she was afraid of corners-before letting out a cry of defeat and slumping her shoulders. What was she doing with her life? Everyday, she refrained from doing so many things that other people seemed to adore because she was so terrified. Who was she kidding, her therapy had only been a temporary help.

Ike would have been so disappointed in her. She allowed herself to think about her deceased husband for the first time in years. She and Ike had gone on so many reckless adventures together. Since Ike's death, she'd reasoned that the adventures were dangerous and childish; they could've died that one time they went bungee jumping, or canoeing in a lightning storm, or eaten that mysterious green soup in South America. But until now she hadn't remembered the part where Ike screamed hilariously on the way down, or the rare fish they'd seen, or how delicious the soup was. Almost every time she'd taken a risk, it had paid off.

At this point in her life, she had hardly taken any risks, and what did she get? Nothing. Well, except for being fired from her dangerous animal-taming job for releasing a chocolate-crazed lion that attacked someone-even if that someone was a dangerous and cunning criminal. Olaf had been in critical condition in the hospital for 2 weeks, and just as the hospital staff had figured out his identity, he had escaped. And his accomplice, "Flacutono", if that was his name, had escaped as well... most likely to flee the country and quietly settle down.

She was done with this. She was done with living in great fear and not accomplishing anything. She decided to begin her new life at this moment by taking out her bun and letting tendrils of her dyed auburn hair fall in her face. From now on she was going to wear her hair down even though she used to be scared of having hair in her face, and from now on she was going to stop dying her hair and wearing a disguise, even if that meant that Olaf would find her again. And if she had the chance again now, then she would stand up for those poor Baudelaire children. She just hoped that they were ok now and that Olaf wouldn't find them again.

She made another life decision. (Don't worry, this is the last one. You're probably getting bored hearing Aunt Josephine's life realizations.) She was lonely, so she was going to join an online dating service even though she had been afraid of computer keyboards in the past. And join an online dating service she did. Soon a strapping middle-aged marine-biologist had found her profile, and they went on a montage of dreamlike dates together before the accident happened.

It was completely unanticipated. In her last moments, Josephine reasoned that it must be a cruel plot device made by the author to finish up this blasted story. On a gloomy Friday morning, Aunt Josephine made her way to the marine biologist's house because they were supposed to be going on a picnic together later that afternoon. As he opened the door, he grinned devilishly at her. "There's been a bit of a change of plans my dear. Let's go swimming instead of picnicking. I know a pond with the perfect temperature."

"All right," said Aunt Josephine. And she only hesitated a little bit as she followed his car to the pond. She stripped to reveal a handy dandy bathing suit that she had conveniently been wearing underneath her clothes, and waded a bit into the water.

"Go ahead and get in completely, dearie, I've just got to fetch my sun block. You can still get sunburned on a gloomy day like this, you know!" And her beloved briefly disappeared from view.

Josephine felt the first bite when she was in up to her shoulders. What on earth was that? She willed herself not to scream as she felt dozens of nips along her legs. "Can you come here please?" she called softly to her marine biologist date, whose name I still haven't bothered to come up with.

He appeared almost instantly with a big grin on his face. "Wazzup?"

Josephine gulped. "My first problem is that the phrase you just uttered is atrocious slang, and is therefore unacceptable grammar. My second problem is that something in this pond is nibbling at my feet."

"Oh that's just the leeches. Don't worry; the pain won't continue for very long."

"L-leeches?" She stuttered, using an incomplete sentence for the first time in this story.

"That's right, Josephine. It really is a shame that you have to go like this. But you can die peacefully knowing that it was for a good cause: my scientific experiment."

Aunt Josephine sighed and prepared for this scenario once again. Unfortunately, she had eaten a banana for breakfast this morning. Oh, irony. Every last ounce of hope slowly oozed out of her. She could feel deep inside that there would be no escape this time. She shook her fist and shouted to the heavens, "Curse you author! This story contains so many grammatical errors! You never let me have any fun!" just before she slipped under the surface and was devoured.

**A/N: Well, that was a bit unfortunate, wasn't it? And Aunt Josephine really does have awful taste in men. I hope you enjoyed this, even though I didn't think too highly of the last couple chapters. I apologize for wasting your time if you read this whole thing, because this alternate ending really ended the way it started, so there was absolutely no point in your reading it.**


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